He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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