I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He shit in the fireplace
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
