You're completely useless in the revolution.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
