this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
