I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
