Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
