Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize