he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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