whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My breath smells like gin and sadness
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
