i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
