Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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