The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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