In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
