You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
