I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
