At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize