Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
