drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
