I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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