why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize