Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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