I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
