just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
