After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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