I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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