are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My hand turned me down
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
