I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
