Just fell off a train. Bad.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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