I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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