He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
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