stop calling my apartment porn island.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
