splinters make it hard to masturbate
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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