I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
