I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
