Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's like iHOP with fire
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
