Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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