mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
