Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
