So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
