I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize