when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
