I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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