I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize