I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
