He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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