Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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