There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
