I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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