May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
