i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize