I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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