we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
