There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
