sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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