ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
