remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Two words: blizzard sex
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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