Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize