things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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