I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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