Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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