He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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