So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
