just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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